Category Archives: Customs

The Orator – A Review

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After much anticipation Friday January 20th finally arrived and with hard won Sundance Film Festival tickets in hand we stood in line for the opening night showing of The Orator.  As expected, it was sold out  so we made sure to be there an hour early to get a good spot in line.  When we got there however, we discovered that others had already been standing in line for 4 hours just to be sure they too got a good seat.  What surprised me was the fact that they weren’t Samoans, they weren’t even Polynesians.  I was happy that a Samoan film by a Samoan filmmaker had the kind of draw that it did to bring out such a diverse audience.

I’ll come right out and tell you, I loved the film.  Yes, I was moved by the story line, the love and companionship between such an unlikely couple and the courage of one that is often looked upon as being the least of us.  I loved the way our culture was portrayed in the film.  It depicted our Samoan way of life with the kind of unapologetic brutal honesty that only one who has lived the fa’aSamoa can do but it was done so with great respect for the Samoan culture and people.

I said unapologetic brutal honesty because it depicted many things that perhaps we’d rather the whole world doesn’t see like the makape’ape’a that sometimes accompanies the si’is or the way we treat others who are different.  But this does happen in Samoa.  I saw it growing up, I still see it sometimes when I visit Samoa.  These scenes weren’t a figment of the writer’s imagination, he too saw it growing up in Samoa.  The only difference between us is that Tusi had the talent and the courage to bring these scenes to life in a way that tells this story of Samoa.  Our Samoan way of life isn’t always perfect or fair but then what way of life is?

I loved the fact that the whole film was in Samoan.  I felt so proud to be Samoan and sitting in that audience with other Samoan families as well as Tongans, palagis, sainas, meaulis, and a host of other ethnic groups.  They laughed along with us at the typical fob jokes.  They got it, they really did!  A Tongan even asked Tusi during the Q&A session if he would consider directing a film in Tongan.  High praise indeed, don’t you think?

The artistry alone was worth the ticket to the movie.  Our Samoa is certainly a beautiful country, isn’t it?  Looking at the lush greenery and scenery made me yearn for another visit to Samoa.  And the sound of the rain on the tin rooftops, who can forget that?   Definitely brought back memories of falling asleep to that special melody.  Did I even stop to notice that when I was young girl in Samoa?  Probably not as it was just another beat in the harmony that makes up the rhythm of life that is uniquely Samoan.

The Orator is a film that transcends ethnic and language barriers and touches the humanity in all of us.  It felt real and true!  It’s not a story that is only based in Samoa with a sprinkling of Samoan characters, quotes and scenes. It wasn’t a ripoff of another film or book masquerading as a Samoan movie.  Rather, it is a Samoan story, the heart and soul of the film is Samoan, and that more than any of the many other excellent aspects of this film is what I love the most about The Orator.

One of the greatest contributions this film has made is introducing the Samoan culture and way of life to young Samoans growing up outside of Samoa.  The Orator has sparked a renewed sense of cultural pride in a whole new generation of Samoans as indicated by the number of comments from young Samoan Americans professing their love of their culture and for being Samoans on facebook.  What other book or movie about Samoa can say that?

Fa’amalo Tusi, well done. Like we told you Friday night, you did us so proud.  We also liked your response when asked about the slow pace of the movie, you’re right, it is at the pace of life in Samoa.  We’ve become so accustomed to life in the fast lane and movies that go bang from the word go that we’ve become impatient with movies and scripts that make us wait.  We have to re-learn how to savor people, fai fai malie, folofolo lemu ae aua le so’o ga kolupu pei o se ai u, lol.  I asked you if you’re planning to make more movies in Samoa and in the Samoan language and I really hope that you will. Will there be a sequel to The Orator? For one thing, I’m hoping that you’ll confirm the suspicion that I have about Litia’s father because if I’m reading between the lines correctly then it can only be one person.  So to be continued…hopefully?

…the Eye of the Beholder

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One of the challenges facing parents today is the media’s influence on our kids and families.  We’re bombarded with images and messages telling us that this is what “cool” sounds like, this is what “success” feels like, this is what “beauty” looks like. 

All too often these messages are taken as gospel not only by our children and youth but by us, the adults, as well.  When it comes to beauty we’re judged against a standard  popularized and immortalized by magazine publishers and Hollywood movie producers. 

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder then why is it that there seems to be only one prevalent ideal of beauty?

Sadly this is also true in Samoa.  While we as Samoans may not be killing ourselves to be thin, we too have our own standards of beauty, don’t we? (I’m seriously generalizing here so if you’re Samoan and this post doesn’t apply to you then I thank you)

As a child growing up in Samoa I often wondered why fair skin was equated with beauty.  Now that I’m an adult (well most of the times I am) I still don’t get it.  Why is it that Samoans think that fair skin is desirable?  I mean I get it BUT I just don’t get it!    A woman or a man for that matter can be plain as heck but if they have fair skin they are considered beautiful in Samoa.

A conversation overheard at the makeki might go something like this 

Fiaola 1 ”Magaia le fui lale.”
Fiaola 2: “E a? Fea?
Fiaola 1: A lale e u mai le kua, pei uma lava o lae fa’akau sa ga fagu sea, magaia le pa’epa’e aulelei mai o si mea.
Fiaola 2: Sole, sa’o, seki a le fui le la.

Translation: Boy 1 nudges boy 2 and points out a girl seen at the market.  Girl’s back is to the boys but they can see that she is fair.  Boy 1 tells Boy 2 that the girl over there is beautiful.  Boy 2 looks over and concurs.

I wish I can explain a conversation like this away as just stupid boys with raging hormones. But those of us who grew up in Samoa or lived in Samoa for any amount of time know that this isn’t true.  We know about the mocking that goes on in villages and communities, even in our own families.  We know about the name-calling.  I wonder about the kids at the receiving end of these taunts.  What does it do to their self-esteem? Is it more damaging when the taunting is done in “good fun” by a trusted family member versus being taunted maliciously by others?  

 I wish also that this was something that we can just sweep under the rug and pretend it isn’t there.   But it is there and I for one am so sick of it. Why is white more beautiful than brown or dark brown or black for that matter?  Why are we as Samoans still perpetuating these attitudes and behaviors?

I’ll never forget the day a few years ago when our youngest son asked me why his skin was a darker shade of brown than his brothers.  I had to sit him down and tell him that his skin was exactly the same shade of brown as his dad and that it was the most beautiful shade of brown on earth.  Our son isn’t growing up in Samoa but if we’re to truly move past skin color then we need to recognize that its an issue that still exists today, even in Samoa.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder then whose eye are we all looking out of?

Legend of the SamoanTattoo

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One of the girls at work was proudly showing off her new tattoo today so of course we started talking about tattoos which in turn led to this post tonight. 

Now there’s already plenty of really good articles available online on the history and the art of the Tatau or Samoan Tattoo so I won’t go into that here.  I recommend Samoan Tattoo and Samoan Tattoo Art by artist Vanaya Taule’alo if you want to learn a little bit more about this traditional art form.  While you’re on her blog I hope you take the time to read her “about me” section as well for her insights as a non-Samoan married to a Samoan and living in Samoa.  Great stuff!  You can also try to get a copy of the Tatau: The Art of the Samoan Tattoo by Chief Sielu Avea.  

The one thing I want to point out is that traditional Samoan tattoo is not worn on the arm like popular trends today.  For men and women, it covers the lower half of the body from about the navel to just below the knee.  Women tatau aren’t as intricate or as detailed as the ones usually worn by men.

Tonight I want to share with you the legend of the tatau.  It also happens to be one of my favorite Samoan legends probably because this particular legend is told in song.

According to the legend the tatau was first introduced to Samoa by twin sisters Taema and Tilafaiga. The twin sisters were returning to Samoa after visiting the daughter of the Tui Manua (King of Manu’a) who now happens to be the wife of the Tui Fiti (King of Fiji).   As the twins prepared for the journey back to Samoa, Tui Fiti gave them the tools used for tattooing as a gift with instructions to tattoo the women NOT the men. 

Now the song says that they swam from Fiji to Samoa carrying the basket containing the tools between them but other versions of the legend tell us that they came in a canoe. The song also tells us that as the sisters swam they sang and the words of the song was the message to tattoo the women NOT the men.  As the sisters neared the village of Falealupo on the island of Savaii they saw a giant clam.  Whether the sisters were afraid of the giant clam or they  wanted to see it or harvest it is not clear from the song but they both dived. When they came back up for air they were a little confused and began to sing that it is the men that are to be tattooed NOT the women. This was the message that reached Samoa and from that day on the tradition of tattooing the men was born.

(These twin sisters figure prominently in other Samoan legends and one of them was the mother of the famous warrior queen Nafanua. Any guesses which one?)  The one thing you have to remember with legends is that there may very well be different versions so if you find another one that tells this particular one a little different, please share it with us.  For now, this is still my favorite version.  Click here to listen to the song if you wish.

For Sale: Samoan Matai Titles

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Current news from Samoa include reports about a certain businessman from a certain country who is now being investigated for fraud & other questionable dealings in his home country.  Apparently when this businessman moved to Samoa he must have made quite an impression (throwing your money around tends to do that) because he was given an honorary matai (chiefly) title by a certain village in Samoa.

This brought to the forefront an issue that I’ve wondered about for a long time.  Are our Samoan matai titles for sale?  What’s the going rate for a matai title anyway?  Is it the bigger the gift to the village, the more prestigious the title that’s bestowed? 

The easiest explanation that I can give those of you who aren’t familiar with the matai system is that the matai system is the traditional Samoan way of governing the family, the village, the country.   Matais are the heads of the aiga potopoto or extended families.  These heads of families make up the village council and so on.  Matai titles are held until the title holder dies at which point the aiga potopoto decides who in their family is going to be next. Both males and females are eligible to hold matai titles. Blood relatives as well as those who marry into the family are eligible.

Growing up in Samoa I learned that being selected to be a matai by your aiga potopoto meant that you were trusted by your family to do right by your family.  It was a position of power but also a position of trust. It was also something that was uniquely Samoan, part of the Samoan fabric of life if you will.

Today (and for some time now in Samoa) it’s become commonplace to give matai titles to foreigners that give a significant gift (monetary or otherwise) to a village or to Samoa.  While I appreciate the fact that these individuals made people’s lives better I can’t help but think that the giving away of Samoan matai titles somehow cheapens the whole matai system. Am I the only one that thinks that? We really can’t express our gratitude in any other way?  What’s wrong with a beautifully carved tanoa?  We have street names now in Apia don’t we?  Why not name a street after the benefactor?  I mean if this was any other country the token of gratitude would probably be a very sincere expression of thanks and maybe a plaque.

Whose Reality Survives?

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 ”Human reality is human creation, if we fail to create our own reality someone else will do it for us” (‘epeli hau’ofa) as posted on From A Tongan Daughter.

From time to time I like to see what those who are not Samoan post about Samoa.  I don’t do it too often because I almost always end up calling a couple of them all sorts of names in Samoan and English so it’s really not a constructive thing for me to do.  Still, it’s useful to read outsiders perspectives because it helps to remind me of the need to write our own history and not let others write it for us. 

One such blogger, a Peace Corps working in Samoa no less, wrote about her love for the beautiful brown barefooted kids of Samoa.  A tad patronizing but not a problem so far; Samoan kids are beautiful and many of them do run around barefooted so can’t fault her for stating the facts.  However, she went on to say that Samoan kids have so much personality and individualism until Samoan adults beat it out of them (paraphrasing of course).

Did she really just say that?  Samoan adults deliberately set out to beat personality and individualism out of their children? 

To be fair many Samoans reach for the salu kianiu, the fusi pa’u, or whatever’s within reach a little too quickly.  Many do sasa their kids much too hard and too often.  Many cross the fine line between sasa and disciplining to blatant physical abuse.  Is that acceptable?  No, of course not! Any parent (Samoan,Palagi, Saina, Meauli) physically abusing their kids in such a way should be disciplined in the same manner themselves.

She of course has a right to her own opinion and perspective just like I have a right to mine.  However, when she posted her “reality” so to speak in her offical capacity as a Peace Corps working in Samoa, did it affect someone else’s perspective of Samoa?  You bet it did!  It might have changed only the perspective of her family and friends and other colleagues that read her blog but it did affect someone’s else reality.

We as Samoans have to write our own story.  The days of letting others decide who we are as a people, our reality as Samoans, should have ended a long time ago.   Epeli Hauofa is right, if we don’t write and record our own reality then someone else will decide it for us.  History isn’t so much what actually happened but what has survived through written records and other medium.

How Do I Love Thee

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I heard a woman the other day talk about her experiences in China.  This woman (we’ll call her Ann so I don’t have to keep referring to her as this woman) and her husband spent a year teaching English in China.  They had just returned home and were invited to share their experiences.

I thought they were an admirable couple.  I was impressed with what they shared and with their dedication.  However, there was one small part of the story that got under my skin, actually it irritated the heck out of me.

She told us that in addition to teaching English to their students, she felt that they also taught another lesson – how to love.  She went on to say that her students couldn’t stop marveling at how her and her husband always held hands wherever they went.  She said her students were impressed with the way they publicly showed their affection for one another.   So what is so objectionable about that?

I was bothered at the way she seemed to equate and interpret the lack of these behaviors in her Chinese students.  She made it sound as if the absence of these outward signs meant that the Chinese (or at least the ones she interacted with) do not love as strongly, or even love as we do.  In her mind, the fact that her students didn’t display their affection for one another publicly showed that they were somehow- less.  Less loving, less worthy, less modern?  I don’t know, it just came across as less.  Perhaps her students “marveled” because they couldn’t believe that someone could behave so contrary to the acceptable customs and social mores of their host country.   Just a thought.  Maybe her students even excused it the same way we in Samoa excuse a behavior that isn’t normally acceptable, that is, shrug it off and say, “they’re not Samoans, they don’t know any better.”

I wanted to tell Ann that not all cultures approve of public display of affection.  I wanted to but didn’t.  Debated if I should say something to her then decided to let it go just in case I’m misinterpreting her intended message.    

I’m asked (directly and indirectly) from time to time about romantic love in Samoa.  In Samoa, couples don’t hold hands in public, at least, traditionally, we don’t.  Who knows, maybe things are slowly changing.  Actually, you will see grown women or grown men holding hands from time to time, but don’t be shocked.  It’s not what you think, they’re just buddies.  That’s just how we roll, lol.

As far as lovers smooching in public in Samoa, be warned, don’t ever do it.  Making out in public is an absolute no-no, and would be considered insulting to those around you and the epitome of rudeness on your part. 

So does this mean that Samoans don’t love as passionately as someone else growing up here in America.  Of course not!  That is so obviously ludricous I can’t even imagine that anyone would think that.   Samoan culture may frown on outward displays of affection but we do love just as strongly as the couple that flaunts their affection in public.  

So when it comes to the question of how do I love thee, or perhaps more to the point of this post, how do I show how much I love thee?  The answer is – that depends.   It depends on who you are, where you are, and what cultural and social mores are acceptable in any given situation.  What may be perfectly normal for you may be taboo for someone else.

Dark-skinned palagis

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If you don’t know what that means, that refers to those Samoans who for reasons that I can’t even begin to imagine, do not want to be known as Samoans. The true fiapalagis, in other words.

Let’s face it, every community probably has their share of these idiots.  Talk about a case of low self esteem!

I was speaking with my husband tonight on skype and he happened to mention that he ran into another Samoan soldier there in Iraq.  Unfortunately, this Samoan soldier doesn’t want to associate, speak to, or be acknowledged by others as a Samoan.  Of course that got my — in a knot and I have to vent – so sorry guys.

What is so wrong with being a Samoan? Why would one be ashamed to be acknowledged as one?  Believe me, I’ve met more than a few of these myself too so they’re not as uncommon as you’d think.  Granted we have our problems, we have lots of problems as a community if truth be told.  We have our dumbheads and our troublemakers, you know the kind of people that give other Samoans a bad reputation.  But hey, so does every other race under the face of the sun.  There are rotten stinky apples in every ethnic group and community.  So why?

I am reminded of the day our oldest son found out he and his brothers weren’t 100% Samoan.  Yes, I know you’re all going to be shocked to hear this, but somewhere in my kids lineage, there is a palagi man.  Their great great grandfather.  (Gasp out loud).  Anyway, back to our son. To say he was disappointed is an understatement.  He looked at us as if we’d somehow let him down.  We reassured him that he was mostly Samoan, and that seemed to do the trick.  Of course, he was very young then.  Today as a young adult, he knows and is proud of the fact that he is not only Samoan, but also part palagi and he is doing a great job honoring all of who he is.

Back to my question.  Why? Why would someone be ashamed to be a Samoan, a Tongan, a Mexican, a Filipino, a whatever? 

I read a couple of new books recently, both fictionalized accounts of what life was like for Jews under Hitler.  One of the things that touched me the most was the courage exhibited by both young and old. These were ordinary people who refused to deny that they were Jews even though they knew full well what it would cost them.  I’ve read about the holocaust since I was a young girl but reading about this horrific time in our history gets me every single time.  Who can ever forget Anne Frank?  By the way, if you haven’t read “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” you have to read it.  It’s geared for teens but it is a must read for everyone, besides you can easily read it in a couple of hours.

In case my palagi friends out there get the wrong idea, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being a palagi.  We should be proud of whoever we are.  Some of us may be both a palagi and a Samoan, or a Chinese and a Samoan, or a Tongan and a Samoan.  If that’s you, celebrate you are.  Be proud of all that you are.  Many of us come wearing more than just the one hat.  We’re not just one or the other.  We’re many pieces that have come together to form the one.  All of that makes us who we are. I haven’t even thrown in the Samoan-Irish-American part yet:-).  The point is, whatever you are, whatever blood you have running through your veins, embrace it, honor it!

So my friends, if you happen to know someone who is having such a bad case of fiapalagi, please tell them to get off it.  Better yet, tell them what the kids in Samoa say when they’re telling someone to take a hike, “ia fa’a pa a’e lou ulu ile sima ga le.”  (Translation) “there’s a concrete wall, why don’t you go smash your fat head against it.”  You’re Samoan, deal with it.

You can take the girl out of Samoa but …

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In some ways it feels as if time is just flying by.  Here it is October already, a whole month has come and gone and I didn’t post anything.  Shame on me!  All my good intentions for posting regularly down the drain… oh well.

In my defense, I have been pretty busy most of the time.  This is a real good thing for me right now.  I’ve been going regularly to the gym and actually working out when I do go there.  I mean, I’ve gone before with hubby, and mostly just kinda going through the motions while waiting for hubby to be done so that we can go  home.  Pretend like I’m working out while really just doing as little as possible, and cursing the clock for not going any faster.  What can I say, I hate exercise.  This time though, I’m actually breaking a sweat and surprise, surprise, I’m even enjoying it. 

There are  other Polys that are regulars at the gym with me, three Samoans and one Tongan.  After working out a sweat one day, we sat around and just talked about Samoa and the life that we remembered.  We also talked about some of the issues that we see so often up here with some of our fellow Samoans.  All of us are mothers so we understand what a challenging job motherhood can be.  We all know what its like to want to choke your kid for being stupid, to slap them silly for daring to talk back, for forgetting their manners, etc, etc.  But we couldn’t help but cringe with embarrasement at what we saw the other day.  To top it off, it was in church for crying out loud.  A couple of us witnessed the outrageous behavior so this isn’t hearsay at all. 

What happened, you ask?  Well, basically a young Samoan child was getting really whinny in church.  She looked like she was about 5 or 6.  So instead of simply taking her outside to the foyer to quiet her with a snack or a drink or whatever the child needed, her big Samoan mother chose to make a production out of getting out of the pew and stomping out of the chapel, dragging her child by the ear the whole way.  And her face, oh my gosh, if you could have seen her face, you would have sworn she was about to murder the child or anyone else who got in her way.  You can see the palagis looking at each other almost as if they’re trying to decide who should call the police.

Now as I was saying, I’m a parent, a mother of 3.  I know all about exasperation and frustration, and being fed up with whinny kids.  But, there’s a line we just don’t cross.  At least not here in the good ole USA if we want to go home with our families and not be escorted to a nice gray cell by the police.  I mean even if you’ve reached the point of no return, surely there must be some semblance of sanity left in there that tells you that this kind of behavior is not ok in this country.  Yeah, in Samoa, we all know you can get away with beating your kids within an inch of their lives (not that I condone this at all) but my goodness, in America, and in public???  What the heck??  Guess, in some cases, you can take the girl out of the island but you can’t get the island out of the girl. 

Of course, we don’t necessarily want to lose what makes us Samoan, we don’t want to forget who and what we are, we don’t want to let go of our beautiful cultural heritage, BUT there are many other things and behaviors that you should bury under a rock in your village before you board that plane for the land of milk and honey - behaving like an out of control cave woman in public is definitely one of those.

Family Time

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As busy as we get sometimes, we really do try to make sure that we spend quality time with our boys every week.  Some families are lucky to be able to have dinner together every day of the week, we’re lucky if we can eat dinner together twice a week.  Actually, Sundays is always a good time to sit down and all eat together because everyone is home at the same time.  Throughout the week, the kids have sports, practice, etc and all kinds of things that really mess up our schedule.

The beautiful thing about spending quality time with our kids is you really get to hear their thoughts and opinions on stuff.  Last night, we all went out to our favorite restaurant for Valentine’s Day dinner.  Our teenager was so full of questions and comments on all kinds of things starting with why we can’t go move back to Layton where we still own a home to what career he’s going to go into.  Sometimes, as a parent its hard to explain yourself to your kids.  Sometimes I just don’t want to explain myself or feel as if I have to explain to my kids why we make certain decisions.  I wonder if that comes from being raised as a Samoan. 

Do we sometimes think that we don’t have to explain ourselves just because we’re the parents and that should be that?  I don’t know about you but I’ve caught myself saying “Because I said so” to my kids a few times.  Of course, sometimes, it really is the only thing to say.   I do know that our Samoan culture dictates that children are to be seen and not heard.  This may work in some situations but not all, maybe it works in a traditional Samoan upbringing but for many of us Samoans who are raising our kids outside of Samoa, that can be a big problem.  

I know that I was definitely not a party to a lot of decisions when I was growing up in my family.  Looking back now, I think I would have liked to have had a say in what happened to me when I was a young, at least in my teen years.  There were definitely some experiences I’d rather not have had as a young 13 or 16 year old, but more about that on another post.

But, back to our conversation with our sons last night.  He tells us now that he wants to be a software engineer, he’s not sure yet where he wants to go to college but he’s narrowed it down to Utah or Hawaii.  He wants to go back and graduate from high school in our hometown.  Oh, and he gave us an really good argument about why we should buy a video game that is rated “M” that they’ve been wanting for a couple of months. 

It was a very pleasant evening and it was really nice to hear our teenager open up and talk to us about what he had on his mind.  It is so important that we spend time with them and do things together.  Family time is one of the best time we have to learn things about our children that we’d otherwise never know.  We’ve always tried to do so but sometimes we don’t always succeed. 

There are so many things I wished we’d done differently with our older son and one of them is the fact that I wished we’d done more things with him.  I can remember a time when he was younger, probably 12 or so and he’d ask us to play board games with him in the evenings.  At the time, it seemed as if we were always busy with one thing or another and kept making excuses while we couldn’t.  I’d give anything to have that time back because he has grown up, gone away to college, and is doing his own thing.  Now, we wish that he had more time to do things with us.  So, my advice today, whether you want to hear it or not, is listen to your kids.  Let them have a say in family decisions about things that will affect their lives.  Ultimately, we as parents have the last say on what is best for our families but at least explain to them why some decisions that we make are better than others.

Courtship in Samoa

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I was talking to my son about dating the other day. I think I was trying to tell him that kids here date far too early as far as I’m concerned so of course I had to tell him that in Samoa people don’t usually date until they are much older. The truth is, there is no such thing as dating in Samoa, at least, not “dating” as we know it here in America. So what exactly do we do in Samoa? How does a girl and a guy hook up?

Well if memory serves me right, I think that somehow a lovestruck boy finds a way to get a message to the girl of his dreams that he wants her to be his girlfriend. I think the phrase he might use would be, “keige, fia fai se ka uo.” He might also have a go-between tell the girl that he wants to be the girl’s boyfriend. The go-between might say something like “fai mai le kama lale e fia alu ia oe.” If the girl happens to like him back then they might consider themselves to be girlfriend and boyfriend.

So what happens after that? Well, if they are from the same village they might see each other frequently in the evenings when the young people usually gather to play volleyball. They might see each other in Church and they might see each other as they go about their daily feaus and such. Their idea of an ideal date would be to run into each other at the local general store or to see each other at the malae.

But do they make it obvious that they are together? Do they hold hands and kiss and go out to dinner? Well, not really. They never hold hands in public. They hardly ever even sit together when they are in the same place at the same time. They never kiss in public. I should say they’d better not kiss in public. I can just imagine what would happen if a young couple decided to kiss and make out in public in Samoa. They’d not only hear about it, they’d probably feel the brunt of the villagers displeasure and disgust through the fist of one sogaimiki or another. And they never go out to dinner. Flowers and chocolates are unheard of in Samoa when it comes to courtship. However, if the relationship is getting serious, he may bring an umu on Sundays for her parents and once in awhile she may take something over on special holidays such as Mother’s Day and Christmas.

If they lived in separate villages then they might arrange to meet at the makeki or somewhere else in town. They communicate mostly through notes and letters passed through mutual friends. Of course, this was the case in the days of my youth. Now, they have cell phones so perhaps today they text each other even in Samoa. They might arrange to go ki’e ki’e pasi somewhere. If they are extremely lucky and can manage or even afford it, they might go to the movies every once in a blue moon. Of course, if they are older and no longer in high school then there are more options available to them. But until then they are limited to quick meetings and whatever moments they can steal.

As I tried to explain these things to my son, I was struck by how different things are between the two cultures. He is growing up in a society that tells him it is okay to do certain things and I’m trying to teach him values from a culture that seems foreign to him. The values that I’m trying to teach him seem old fashioned and even ridiculous to my Americanized son. To be honest, they seem funny to me too now. But as a parent, I much prefer the “wait until you are old enough” approach of the Samoa of my young days over the “you can do whatever you want at 16 approach” that I see today.