Category Archives: Customs

Tausi Matua

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A friend called on Sunday and we had a lovely visit over the phone. She updated me on the latest in her nook of the woods and I brought her up to speed on what’s been happening with my hubby and kids.  Somehow we got to talking about some Samoan parents and the expectations they have for their kids.  Specifically, we talked about the custom that we refer to in Samoan as “kausi makua.”

Before I go any further, I have to say that this is actually one of the practices that I really like about our culture. When I look around and see the many parents and elderly people who are apparently abandoned by their kids, I shake my head with unbelief that anyone could have so little regard for their parents.  You hear of parents being shipped off to elderly care centers and pretty much left to the care of the staff there.  Their children are too busy to even visit.

I recently had to be involved in a case of an elderly woman who had to have surgery for colon cancer.  She has no family whatsoever, at least none that would claim her. She had to rely on us (the women in her church) to take her to the hospital, to stay with her during her surgery, check up on her after her surgery, and now to take her to her daily chemo treatments. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a single family member to help her through this ordeal. So, I am very grateful that our culture doesn’t just throw our elderly away. 

“Throw away” might be too strong of a phrase but that is exactly what it is. Sure, they might be thrown away in a nice, sterile, expensive senior home but the intention and the message is still the same – I have no time for you, you are of no use to me anymore, I have more important things to do, I have a life to live and I can’t live it with you hanging aorund my neck.

I’m not against senior homes and senior care facilities for our parents at all. I think they are great. I’m sure a lot of them are run by wonderful caring people. I also know that a lot of people who choose to put their parents there do so because that is the best place for them to be. Some of our parents will need intensive medical attention and a senior home is the best place since they will have access to that kind of care there 24/7.  As a parent, I also know that sometimes there is just no way you can take care of an aging parent full time if you have to work full time in order to take care of basic needs for you and your kids.  So senior care centers are neccessary and are the only option for many people at times. 

Now, I know that I said earlier that I appreciate and I’m glad that in our culture we revere our elderly and we take care of them. We know that it is our duty to take care of our parents and we gladly take on that responsibility when the time comes. I can’t think of a single Samoan who wouldn’t take his or her parents in when the parents reach a stage where they can no longer take care of themselves. I absolutely love this about our culture.

What my friend and I talked about though was the fact that sometimes this expectation can be a burden on the kids.  I’m not talking about the occasional contributions that we give when our parents really need it or when there’s a fa’alavelave but the expectation on the part of a few parents that every single paycheck you get, you give a certain amount to your parents even though you are married and have a family of your own.  I’m well aware that this is a generalization and that not all of our Samoan parents feel this way or expect this of their children, this is why I said “on the part of a few parents.” I also know that there are exceptions and unique situations.  For example, my parents moved in with us here in the States a few years ago after they retired from Samoa. Now when they moved up here they both still wanted to work because they are just not the kind of people that are happy just sitting around the house all day long doing nothing. However, due to their ages they had a really hard time finding someone that would hire them, even though they are highly educated (both have college degrees) and both have been school teachers for most of their lives. My mother finally found an office job but my father never did.  In our case, most of the financial care for our parents from that point on fell on us and fortunately we were at a point where we could provide that care and support for them.

On the other hand, a young married couple (like the one my friend and I were talking about) just starting out are normally far from being financially set. They need to take care of their immediate family first, and once you’re married, your immediate family is your spouse and kids, not your parents.  This appears to be a hard fact for some of our Samoan parents to accept. Why do I say this? Because I hear a lot of our Samoan parents say things like this; “ia ua fai loa le ko’alua ua le kou sau lava e aumai se mea ma maua” or “ia ua maua loa mea ua galo mai lima ma vae nei ga kausia i kausaga e kele” etc.  Usually, you’d also hear “o kakou Samoa, ua uma lava oga kakou iloa o kakou manuia uma lava e sau mai kakou makua” somewhere in that discussion.

Yes, it is true that we are blessed when we take care of our parents.  Yes, we do get blessings from our parents. But, as parents we also need to realize that there are times when our kids are just not in a position where they can support their families and give us a little every month too.  As parents we need to know that there comes a time when we’re not the most important people in our kids lives.  As parents we need to know that if we want our kids to help us we need to give them a chance to get on their feet first. There is a saying that I really like, “You can’t give from an empty plate.” The young couple are friends of ours. The husband was raised in Samoa and the wife is part Samoan but raised here in the States so she is having a hard time with this issue.

Fai Ava & Nofo Tane

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We don’t live close to family anymore.  As far as I know we’re the only Polys in the county.  So we don’t have the big to’ana’is that we used to have.  I have to say I do miss it.  I miss the big family gatherings.  However, that wasn’t always the case.  I used to hate big family get-togethers.

In Samoa I remember the big Sunday to’anai’s being a lot of work.  I always dreaded it, probably because it seemed like it was a lot of work and effort. Thinking about family to’ona’i made me remember something that has always bothered me.  As much as I hate to admit it, there are some things about our Samoan customs that I really can’t stand.  One of them is the expectation that the wife has to do all the feau if she lives with the husband’s family, and vice versa if the husband lives with the wife’s family.  So on Sundays one would always see the fai ava making the umu for the to’ana’i while the family son sleeps on until he feels like getting up.  I’ve seen women who marry into a family try to cook with one hand while holding a baby with the other while other women in the family do nothing.

We even joke around about it but it really isn’t a laughing matter.  It’s sad actually and we shouldn’t tolerate it.  It almost seems as if you once you marry into a family you become that family’s slave.  Now I know that not all families are like that.  I also know that this is not so prevalent anymore but I still see it and I know that it does happen.  Thankfully, my inlaws are not like that at all and I know that my family doesn’t treat my husband like that at all.  They treat him like a prince actually, right hon:-)

I’ve always felt that this custom is wrong and that we really need to put a stop to it. I don’t know why anyone would treat some else’s daughter or son this way.  How do they feel if their son or daughter is treated that way by the family they marry into?  I know I wouldn’t want my sons treated that way so I would never treat someone else’s daughter like that. 

I am ordinarily very proud of our Samoan culture and customs but this is one custom that I am actually ashamed about.  I think that we as a people will always respect our inlaws and the families we marry into because that is who we are.  We will always do whatever we can for our husband’s or wives parents because that is part of our value system as Samoans.  Why then do we have a custom that seems to dictate servitude instead of service?

When I go to my mother in law’s house I always try and do everything I can around the house whether its cleaning or cooking.  However I like to think that I do so because I love her and that she is now my mother too and NOT because I am expected to do those things. Whenever his sisters happen to be there they are right there with me cleaning and cooking also.  I know that when I’m there they treat me as just one of the family and that they are not looking at me and thinking pe ole a le mea ua kuai ai oga ou ku i luga e fai mai se ki a le lo’omakua.  And so I enjoy going to my mother in law’s home, I don’t dread it like some friends that I know. 

Needless to say this is one custom I will not be teaching my boys and I hope you don’t too.  Let’s let this custom die out with the older generation, this is one we can do without!