Category Archives: Fa’a Samoa/Culture

How Do I Love Thee

Posted on by
3

I heard a woman the other day talk about her experiences in China.  This woman (we’ll call her Ann so I don’t have to keep referring to her as this woman) and her husband spent a year teaching English in China.  They had just returned home and were invited to share their experiences.

I thought they were an admirable couple.  I was impressed with what they shared and with their dedication.  However, there was one small part of the story that got under my skin, actually it irritated the heck out of me.

She told us that in addition to teaching English to their students, she felt that they also taught another lesson – how to love.  She went on to say that her students couldn’t stop marveling at how her and her husband always held hands wherever they went.  She said her students were impressed with the way they publicly showed their affection for one another.   So what is so objectionable about that?

I was bothered at the way she seemed to equate and interpret the lack of these behaviors in her Chinese students.  She made it sound as if the absence of these outward signs meant that the Chinese (or at least the ones she interacted with) do not love as strongly, or even love as we do.  In her mind, the fact that her students didn’t display their affection for one another publicly showed that they were somehow- less.  Less loving, less worthy, less modern?  I don’t know, it just came across as less.  Perhaps her students “marveled” because they couldn’t believe that someone could behave so contrary to the acceptable customs and social mores of their host country.   Just a thought.  Maybe her students even excused it the same way we in Samoa excuse a behavior that isn’t normally acceptable, that is, shrug it off and say, “they’re not Samoans, they don’t know any better.”

I wanted to tell Ann that not all cultures approve of public display of affection.  I wanted to but didn’t.  Debated if I should say something to her then decided to let it go just in case I’m misinterpreting her intended message.    

I’m asked (directly and indirectly) from time to time about romantic love in Samoa.  In Samoa, couples don’t hold hands in public, at least, traditionally, we don’t.  Who knows, maybe things are slowly changing.  Actually, you will see grown women or grown men holding hands from time to time, but don’t be shocked.  It’s not what you think, they’re just buddies.  That’s just how we roll, lol.

As far as lovers smooching in public in Samoa, be warned, don’t ever do it.  Making out in public is an absolute no-no, and would be considered insulting to those around you and the epitome of rudeness on your part. 

So does this mean that Samoans don’t love as passionately as someone else growing up here in America.  Of course not!  That is so obviously ludricous I can’t even imagine that anyone would think that.   Samoan culture may frown on outward displays of affection but we do love just as strongly as the couple that flaunts their affection in public.  

So when it comes to the question of how do I love thee, or perhaps more to the point of this post, how do I show how much I love thee?  The answer is – that depends.   It depends on who you are, where you are, and what cultural and social mores are acceptable in any given situation.  What may be perfectly normal for you may be taboo for someone else.

Dark-skinned palagis

Posted on by
31

If you don’t know what that means, that refers to those Samoans who for reasons that I can’t even begin to imagine, do not want to be known as Samoans. The true fiapalagis, in other words.

Let’s face it, every community probably has their share of these idiots.  Talk about a case of low self esteem!

I was speaking with my husband tonight on skype and he happened to mention that he ran into another Samoan soldier there in Iraq.  Unfortunately, this Samoan soldier doesn’t want to associate, speak to, or be acknowledged by others as a Samoan.  Of course that got my — in a knot and I have to vent – so sorry guys.

What is so wrong with being a Samoan? Why would one be ashamed to be acknowledged as one?  Believe me, I’ve met more than a few of these myself too so they’re not as uncommon as you’d think.  Granted we have our problems, we have lots of problems as a community if truth be told.  We have our dumbheads and our troublemakers, you know the kind of people that give other Samoans a bad reputation.  But hey, so does every other race under the face of the sun.  There are rotten stinky apples in every ethnic group and community.  So why?

I am reminded of the day our oldest son found out he and his brothers weren’t 100% Samoan.  Yes, I know you’re all going to be shocked to hear this, but somewhere in my kids lineage, there is a palagi man.  Their great great grandfather.  (Gasp out loud).  Anyway, back to our son. To say he was disappointed is an understatement.  He looked at us as if we’d somehow let him down.  We reassured him that he was mostly Samoan, and that seemed to do the trick.  Of course, he was very young then.  Today as a young adult, he knows and is proud of the fact that he is not only Samoan, but also part palagi and he is doing a great job honoring all of who he is.

Back to my question.  Why? Why would someone be ashamed to be a Samoan, a Tongan, a Mexican, a Filipino, a whatever? 

I read a couple of new books recently, both fictionalized accounts of what life was like for Jews under Hitler.  One of the things that touched me the most was the courage exhibited by both young and old. These were ordinary people who refused to deny that they were Jews even though they knew full well what it would cost them.  I’ve read about the holocaust since I was a young girl but reading about this horrific time in our history gets me every single time.  Who can ever forget Anne Frank?  By the way, if you haven’t read “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” you have to read it.  It’s geared for teens but it is a must read for everyone, besides you can easily read it in a couple of hours.

In case my palagi friends out there get the wrong idea, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being a palagi.  We should be proud of whoever we are.  Some of us may be both a palagi and a Samoan, or a Chinese and a Samoan, or a Tongan and a Samoan.  If that’s you, celebrate you are.  Be proud of all that you are.  Many of us come wearing more than just the one hat.  We’re not just one or the other.  We’re many pieces that have come together to form the one.  All of that makes us who we are. I haven’t even thrown in the Samoan-Irish-American part yet:-).  The point is, whatever you are, whatever blood you have running through your veins, embrace it, honor it!

So my friends, if you happen to know someone who is having such a bad case of fiapalagi, please tell them to get off it.  Better yet, tell them what the kids in Samoa say when they’re telling someone to take a hike, “ia fa’a pa a’e lou ulu ile sima ga le.”  (Translation) “there’s a concrete wall, why don’t you go smash your fat head against it.”  You’re Samoan, deal with it.

Family Time

Posted on by
2

As busy as we get sometimes, we really do try to make sure that we spend quality time with our boys every week.  Some families are lucky to be able to have dinner together every day of the week, we’re lucky if we can eat dinner together twice a week.  Actually, Sundays is always a good time to sit down and all eat together because everyone is home at the same time.  Throughout the week, the kids have sports, practice, etc and all kinds of things that really mess up our schedule.

The beautiful thing about spending quality time with our kids is you really get to hear their thoughts and opinions on stuff.  Last night, we all went out to our favorite restaurant for Valentine’s Day dinner.  Our teenager was so full of questions and comments on all kinds of things starting with why we can’t go move back to Layton where we still own a home to what career he’s going to go into.  Sometimes, as a parent its hard to explain yourself to your kids.  Sometimes I just don’t want to explain myself or feel as if I have to explain to my kids why we make certain decisions.  I wonder if that comes from being raised as a Samoan. 

Do we sometimes think that we don’t have to explain ourselves just because we’re the parents and that should be that?  I don’t know about you but I’ve caught myself saying “Because I said so” to my kids a few times.  Of course, sometimes, it really is the only thing to say.   I do know that our Samoan culture dictates that children are to be seen and not heard.  This may work in some situations but not all, maybe it works in a traditional Samoan upbringing but for many of us Samoans who are raising our kids outside of Samoa, that can be a big problem.  

I know that I was definitely not a party to a lot of decisions when I was growing up in my family.  Looking back now, I think I would have liked to have had a say in what happened to me when I was a young, at least in my teen years.  There were definitely some experiences I’d rather not have had as a young 13 or 16 year old, but more about that on another post.

But, back to our conversation with our sons last night.  He tells us now that he wants to be a software engineer, he’s not sure yet where he wants to go to college but he’s narrowed it down to Utah or Hawaii.  He wants to go back and graduate from high school in our hometown.  Oh, and he gave us an really good argument about why we should buy a video game that is rated “M” that they’ve been wanting for a couple of months. 

It was a very pleasant evening and it was really nice to hear our teenager open up and talk to us about what he had on his mind.  It is so important that we spend time with them and do things together.  Family time is one of the best time we have to learn things about our children that we’d otherwise never know.  We’ve always tried to do so but sometimes we don’t always succeed. 

There are so many things I wished we’d done differently with our older son and one of them is the fact that I wished we’d done more things with him.  I can remember a time when he was younger, probably 12 or so and he’d ask us to play board games with him in the evenings.  At the time, it seemed as if we were always busy with one thing or another and kept making excuses while we couldn’t.  I’d give anything to have that time back because he has grown up, gone away to college, and is doing his own thing.  Now, we wish that he had more time to do things with us.  So, my advice today, whether you want to hear it or not, is listen to your kids.  Let them have a say in family decisions about things that will affect their lives.  Ultimately, we as parents have the last say on what is best for our families but at least explain to them why some decisions that we make are better than others.

Tausi Matua

Posted on by
Reply

A friend called on Sunday and we had a lovely visit over the phone. She updated me on the latest in her nook of the woods and I brought her up to speed on what’s been happening with my hubby and kids.  Somehow we got to talking about some Samoan parents and the expectations they have for their kids.  Specifically, we talked about the custom that we refer to in Samoan as “kausi makua.”

Before I go any further, I have to say that this is actually one of the practices that I really like about our culture. When I look around and see the many parents and elderly people who are apparently abandoned by their kids, I shake my head with unbelief that anyone could have so little regard for their parents.  You hear of parents being shipped off to elderly care centers and pretty much left to the care of the staff there.  Their children are too busy to even visit.

I recently had to be involved in a case of an elderly woman who had to have surgery for colon cancer.  She has no family whatsoever, at least none that would claim her. She had to rely on us (the women in her church) to take her to the hospital, to stay with her during her surgery, check up on her after her surgery, and now to take her to her daily chemo treatments. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a single family member to help her through this ordeal. So, I am very grateful that our culture doesn’t just throw our elderly away. 

“Throw away” might be too strong of a phrase but that is exactly what it is. Sure, they might be thrown away in a nice, sterile, expensive senior home but the intention and the message is still the same – I have no time for you, you are of no use to me anymore, I have more important things to do, I have a life to live and I can’t live it with you hanging aorund my neck.

I’m not against senior homes and senior care facilities for our parents at all. I think they are great. I’m sure a lot of them are run by wonderful caring people. I also know that a lot of people who choose to put their parents there do so because that is the best place for them to be. Some of our parents will need intensive medical attention and a senior home is the best place since they will have access to that kind of care there 24/7.  As a parent, I also know that sometimes there is just no way you can take care of an aging parent full time if you have to work full time in order to take care of basic needs for you and your kids.  So senior care centers are neccessary and are the only option for many people at times. 

Now, I know that I said earlier that I appreciate and I’m glad that in our culture we revere our elderly and we take care of them. We know that it is our duty to take care of our parents and we gladly take on that responsibility when the time comes. I can’t think of a single Samoan who wouldn’t take his or her parents in when the parents reach a stage where they can no longer take care of themselves. I absolutely love this about our culture.

What my friend and I talked about though was the fact that sometimes this expectation can be a burden on the kids.  I’m not talking about the occasional contributions that we give when our parents really need it or when there’s a fa’alavelave but the expectation on the part of a few parents that every single paycheck you get, you give a certain amount to your parents even though you are married and have a family of your own.  I’m well aware that this is a generalization and that not all of our Samoan parents feel this way or expect this of their children, this is why I said “on the part of a few parents.” I also know that there are exceptions and unique situations.  For example, my parents moved in with us here in the States a few years ago after they retired from Samoa. Now when they moved up here they both still wanted to work because they are just not the kind of people that are happy just sitting around the house all day long doing nothing. However, due to their ages they had a really hard time finding someone that would hire them, even though they are highly educated (both have college degrees) and both have been school teachers for most of their lives. My mother finally found an office job but my father never did.  In our case, most of the financial care for our parents from that point on fell on us and fortunately we were at a point where we could provide that care and support for them.

On the other hand, a young married couple (like the one my friend and I were talking about) just starting out are normally far from being financially set. They need to take care of their immediate family first, and once you’re married, your immediate family is your spouse and kids, not your parents.  This appears to be a hard fact for some of our Samoan parents to accept. Why do I say this? Because I hear a lot of our Samoan parents say things like this; “ia ua fai loa le ko’alua ua le kou sau lava e aumai se mea ma maua” or “ia ua maua loa mea ua galo mai lima ma vae nei ga kausia i kausaga e kele” etc.  Usually, you’d also hear “o kakou Samoa, ua uma lava oga kakou iloa o kakou manuia uma lava e sau mai kakou makua” somewhere in that discussion.

Yes, it is true that we are blessed when we take care of our parents.  Yes, we do get blessings from our parents. But, as parents we also need to realize that there are times when our kids are just not in a position where they can support their families and give us a little every month too.  As parents we need to know that there comes a time when we’re not the most important people in our kids lives.  As parents we need to know that if we want our kids to help us we need to give them a chance to get on their feet first. There is a saying that I really like, “You can’t give from an empty plate.” The young couple are friends of ours. The husband was raised in Samoa and the wife is part Samoan but raised here in the States so she is having a hard time with this issue.

What on earth…

Posted on by
29

What on earth is going on?

Before I continue, I should mention that there is a tradition of young boys growing their hair long until a certain point in their lives when the family hosts a big celebration (welcome to manhood I suppose) and the young boy’s hair is cut.  This post is not about these young boys or that tradition.

This post is about adult Samoan men with long hair.   Now to be clear, everyone including Samoan men have a right to wear their hair any way they want to, that’s not what I’m griping about today.  For Troy Polamalu, it’s become his signature look and it actually works for him.  What I do have an issue with is the explanation they give the media for it. Apparently it’s part of our Samoan culture for men to wear their hair long. Okay, I think I have a pretty good handle on our culture, after all I am Samoan, born and raised in Samoa in a Samoan family, speak the language fluently, went back to Samoa and taught after college, married to a Samoan man who wears his hair short (and always has). Even though we now make our home in the good ole USA we still live and honor our culture and fa’aSamoa.  So what am I missing?

Let’s see from my earliest recollection of life in Samoa, I don’t recall a single adult Samoan male with long hair.  These are men who not only know their culture, they are living it.  They live and breathe the fa’aSamoa, the culture, the aganu’u.  They don’t just talk about culture, they also practice the culture every day of their lives.  So, forgive me if I have a problem with someone who grew up in California or wherever in the States, someone who perhaps barely understands, let alone speaks the Samoan language talking about long hair being a part of the Samoan culture.

Part of our culture?  I’m not saying that you have to grow up in Samoa to really get the culture but it sure helps.  We’re raising our kids here in the States and even though we are trying to teach them about the culture, the fa’aSamoa, I’m afraid there is a lot about the culture that they just won’t get because they are not immersed in it and that is something that I regret very much. But that is another blog so where was I…

Oh yes, the long hair. Long hair and Samoan culture.  I understand that in early historic times, Samoan men, if they wanted to, wore their hair long.  But I don’t believe its right to say that long hair (on men) was part of the culture.  I think it was a matter of preference, a choice, a matter of personal expression. I guess it depends on how we define culture.  Is what we wear culture?  Is culture the length of someone’s hair or is culture something else?

I think in those days we (women) weren’t bashful about being naked either from the belly-button up (if existing  photographs of the time are to be believed).  Missionaries made us wear clothes when they finally came to our corner of the globe.  So should we all run around in nothing but grass skirts all day (or maybe nothing at all) and say we are doing so because this is our culture?

Whenever I see these guys on the field I think back to the good old days of men like Jesse Sapolu who I thought represented the Samoan community and culture exceptionally well in professional sports. So on the really slim chance that someone with influence on any of these guys happens to read this and agree, fa’amolemole fai iai e oki le ponytail.

My point?  If you are a Samoan young man and you choose to wear your hair long, by all means do so.  That is your right and your privilege to do whatever you feel makes you look good.  I have to admit, it looks great on Troy Polamalu.  But please, please, please, don’t say that long hair is part of your culture.

Samoan men are strong and proud. Our young sons growing up need to understand that what is portrayed by some of these players isn’t representative of the Samoan culture at all. Instead, I hope they look closer to home if they are looking for someone to emulate and to idolize.

Sao ga mea

Posted on by
8

I was talking to a colleague the other day who happens to be  married to a Samoan guy.  BTW she is white.  The poor thing went on and on about how miserable she was because it seems that every month they have to give money for this fa’alavelave or that fa’alavelave.   I really sympathized with her and I also realized that as much as I abhor what is happening with this practice I really am not doing anything about it except gripe about it myself.

 I have no problem with the occasional sao ga mea and I do realize that sometimes everything just seem to happen all at the same time.  I’ve also been on the receiving end of the sao ga mea issue since we’ve had a couple of occasions when family has helped us for our fa’alavelaves.   Like every other Samoan who still subscribes to our traditional values I’ve also been the one giving the help on more than a few occasions and we’ve done so gladly and given what we were able to give.

However, I am saddened when I see a practice that was meant to be an expression of love turn into something that has literally put some people in the poor house.  I mean isn’t it ridiculous that people have to get loans so that they can make their kusaga for a fa’alavelave?  I look at our Samoan people who mostly have very humble means and I wonder at why they would put their own immediate families in debt just so they can make a kusaga for the wedding of their father’s third cousin’s daughter’s son.  I know for a fact that some would give a $1000.00 kusaga and yet rely on welfare to feed their kids, the same kids who come to school wearing worn and ragged clothes and have no school supplies.

 What is wrong with this picture?  How did we get to this point?  I’m not a sociologist but I do have some strong opinions on the matter.  I think we got here because some people in our Samoan society think that the way to impress the whole village of 20 or so families is to put on this great big production.  They like to hear comments like, “sole makua kele lava kupe a le aiga lale, (or) fa’ako’a ou va’ai lava lea i se keke e 15 oga fogafale, (or) o le kamaloa e kele.   Of course the next family who has a wedding or a funeral will try to outdo this other family and so it goes…

In order to pull off these huge productions o le la sa fai loan e kai fia afe on top of asking every Tom, Dick, and Harry they are related to to put in ni ka’i $500, $1000 or more.  Why? Why? Why?  Not only has he put himself in debt but everyone else who put in may also have accrued debts so that they can put in the unreasonable amount of money requested for kusaga.

Why is it so hard for us to give only what we can and to say no when we can’t?  Why is it so hard for us to just be satisfied with a simple wedding, a simple aiga when that is all we can afford?  I mean who are we trying to fool?  In Samoa we can all see how every other family lives and with a handful of exceptions we’re all living pretty much paycheck to paycheck.  There aren’t many millionaires with tons of money to burn running around in Samoa.  I’m talking about Samoa but its a practice we see everywhere we Samoans live - in the US, in New Zealand, etc. 

Why?  Why? Why? 

I suspect that too many times when it comes for sao ga mea for these fa’alavelaves we give because we feel we’ll be ostracized when we don’t.   If that is the case that is really sad.   But its also sad that by not saying no we are helping to perpetuate this potential destructive practice.  I won’t say custom because I really don’t believe it is our custom to give so irresponsibily.  Yes, I do believe that it is our custom to give and to share WHAT WE CAN but not to give what we don’t have or to go into debt so that someone else can feel like a big shot. 

I really hope that our young Samoan women who may someday have a voice in their own families learn to put their foot down and say no to unreasonable requests for kusaga because if you are anything like most Samoan women I know, myself included, we control the purse strings and we say yea or nay when it comes to these things.   Giving, sharing, helping our families in times of fa’alavelave are all good things.  I wouldn’t want to ever see that go away.  It is part of what makes us who we are but it needs to be done responsibily or it can get out of hand like I’ve seen on too many occasions.